Never trust a big butt and smile.

As you know, I had a little encounter with a man at a Ghost concert last month. Obviously I am not going to let some weirdo with no social skills, zero charisma, and slippery hands get the best of me or stop me from going to another show. I went to see Chvrches not even a week after Ghost and then to close out the month of October, I went to go see a show with some friends of mine- Color Me Badd and Bel Biv DeVoe.

The long and the short of the performances- CMB was painful to watch, looking old, worn out and washed up. They struggled to hit high notes, long notes, labored through old choreography with zero enthusiasm. Easily could have gone and walked through the casino they were playing at and not felt even a pang of guilt.

Bel Biv DeVoe on the other hand, still are on fire and put on an incredibly interactive show, engaging with fans, inviting a ton of them on stage for a dance off at the end and really gave a great performance. A++.

At the end of the show, my friends Lea, Katharine and I made our way to the door, and on to the casino floor- I had never been to a casino and insisted we go. We bumbled out into the bright casino floor, pulsing with lights, filled with second hand smoke and bored humans pressing a single button over and over, pushed by the tide of concert goers towards… I have no idea. Tax free cigarettes out of a machine.

As we walked with the crowd towards the machines, Katharine excitedly got my attention.

“Oh my God, Esperanza, a man cupped your ass! I thought you would turn around and deck him! I was going to vouch for him…”

“What?! When?! Who? Again? AGAIN!?!?!”

“A man cupped your ass? You had to have felt that!” Lea chimed in, shocked at my lack of attention to my surroundings

“A MAN GRABBED MY BUM AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW? WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP HIM, KATE?!” I asked, screeching over the exodus of people shuffling around.

“No, no, wait, hold on!” Kate said, beginning to laugh “I was SO SURE you would turn around and hand him… HIS ass!”

I frowned at her. “WHAT?!”

Now. If you have never been to a concert, please immediately stop reading this and go to a show so you can understand that when you are being carried by a group of people in really tight quarters into another area, it’s really hard to tell the difference between an on purpose touch and the shift of someones leg or whatever because they are just walking. Remember I told you I am a little on the short side? It could be a purse or it could be a large man cupping your butt cheek. It’s hard to tell, ok? DON’T JUDGE ME. You know what- just go to a show and then return and read the rest of this. I’ll wait here for you.

For the rest of you, continue reading.

All set? Cool.

“From the top, this is what happened.” Katharine began telling the story, a grin creeping across her face.

“He approached you stealthily and you didn’t realize it. He cupped your butt and in that moment, he totally realized you weren’t who he though you were. He was dark skinned but I could see his face turning LOBSTER RED. He was HORRIFIED at what had just happened. I saw it all, and was going to go to bat for him if you had turned around to try to kill him… but then you didn’t even realize and he just walked away super embarrassed, but relieved!”

My ass is like the moon, it exerts its own gravitational pull, constantly getting people in trouble.

Bless the poor gentleman who accidentally grabbed my bottom. At least it was an honest mistake.

But what a good show for this to happen to, because I had both my big butt and my smile on point that day…and every day, c’mon who am I trying to fool?


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